A mother's lament and hope

We made it through the 1st cycle of chemo! Now we pray for good results on Monday.

If you’re anything like me you’ve lived your entire parenting life with a low level terror of the “big C”. And so also, if you’re like me, you’ve done things like focus on instilling in your small children a love of whole, real food and an awareness of artificial flavors and food dyes, and over processed “junk food”. You’ve taken steps to reduce plastics, and limit toxic chemicals in your home, you’ve moved your wardrobe and that of your children toward natural organic fibers and away from synthetic “toxic” clothing. You use apps to help identify yucky ingredients in toiletries, food, and other products in order to select the most natural and nourishing things for their skin, teeth, hair, etc. And then, if you’re REALLY like me, your baby gets cancer anyway. 

Now, hear me. Please don’t stop doing the above things. I still believe those steps make for a better earthly human experience, and can be very important for the health and well being of your children. But this week when my daughter was diagnosed with high-risk neuroblastoma, a disease that targets the youngest of children, and for which there is NO KNOWN CAUSE, it was a sobering reminder that despite my great fear-driven effort to the contrary, I don’t get to pick what happens to my kids. I am not actually in control. God is. When each of my children were born, and in fact, even earlier than that, when I first knew their precious bodies were forming inside of me, I surrendered their eternal souls to the One who gave them to me. I promised to do my utmost, with full knowledge of my sin, my wounds, and my human limitations, to care for them well, and to introduce them to the Lord who loves them more perfectly than even I ever could. And, oh, how fierce is my love for my children! I would literally give ANYTHING probably to a great fault, not to have them suffer. And yet too often, I’ve witnessed or even caused it! I know many parents can relate. And so this week as my mother’s heart has felt as though it’s been torn from my chest, I am aching with the pain of the unclenching my hands, and the opening of my heart into a posture of reception. I know it’s probably obvious to everyone else, but I literally cannot control the outcome here. And it’s excruciating. 

And yet, my daughter has been entrusted to my husband and I and we will fight this cancer with everything we’ve got. EvanMarie is under the care of the top pediatric cancer doctors in the world, and we plan to seek the care of expert oncology nutritionists, and integrative medicine practitioners who can help optimize our girl and her tenacious spirit to ultimately win the brutal battle that is raging inside her little body. In the meantime, we are encountering multitudes of ways daily, that we are having to re-surrender EvanMarie, our other children, and our very lives to God’s providential care. Our focus has become crystal clear. We currently must devote every waking moment to the physical, emotional, and spiritual healing of our precious family. Sometimes that might look like letting other people down. Sorry, not sorry. Beyond that though, we know that we cannot ever achieve that goal apart from community. And wow — what a community!! I am floored. 

The support we have received is nearly indescribable and certainly incalculable! There has been a literal army of people caring for our home and our other children since we were admitted to the hospital one week ago this same night. Countless people have provided for us in so many and varied ways, that it reduces me to tears to even begin to name it all. Our sweet EvanMarie is being prayed for across the country, and across the globe by dear friends and total strangers alike. Her name and petitions for her healing have been brought before shrines and holy sites as far away as Fatima, Lourdes, the Holy Land, New Zealand, Australia. We are not alone. We could never have predicted this kind of outpouring of mercy and compassion for us and our little girl! We are grateful beyond measure to each of you.

When our long time friend Jeff (who also happens to be a VP here at Texas Children’s Hospital) came by to visit this morning, he delightfully pulled off his sock and shoe to show EvanMarie his freshly painted pink toenails, painted by his own sweet daughters in honor of ours. She had shown him her freshly painted pink nails just a day earlier and now she thanked him with the most contented giggle! What did we do to deserve such a moment of pure joy?! One thing is certain, grief and joy co-exist,  but darkness and light cannot. We are in this for the long-haul. However long that journey might be. But we cling to the hope that is Jesus Christ the Light of the World. As our dear friend Ike so beautifully sang at his recent concert we firmly believe that “there is a light that can overcome the darkness, and there is no darkness that can overcome the light”. Yes, even in the darkness of late stage cancer, the light is with us because of each of you who have turned to the Father on our behalf. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all who have prayed for a miracle for our baby girl! Whether the miracle comes via modern science, supernatural intervention, or heaven itself, we have full confidence that God will answer our petitions for healing for EvanMarie. We beg His merciful healing for ourselves and each of you reading this as well. May God be glorified in all things. +AMDG

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